BIBLICAL COUNSELLING
"Praise be to the God and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (II Cor. 1:3,4)
INTRODUCTION: Counselling is vital
to effective Christian leadership, and especially in the work of the cell leader.
In Paul's words, God "comforts us in all our troubles" so that we
can help others as they confront their own problems. 'Counselling' describes
this process of helping and comforting others in God.
In this article, therefore, we will focus our attention on
counselling so that as we go about leading cell groups and generally, we will
be sensitive to this aspect of leadership, with its peculiar aspects, perspectives
and skills. (As with all practical disciplines, the attitude and skills which
are necessary can only be developed through facing real-life situations. Such
a paper as this can only serve to orient.)
Too often, Christians are frustrated, cowed, defeated, apathetic.
We have been browbeaten with all the expectations, but, somehow it seems to
be a matter of "Do as I say, but not as I do." Where are the effective
examples? What of the individual, personal attention which is so vital if skills
and attitudes are to be passed on? In short, where are the shepherds?
The truth is that there are some very basic dynamics which
must be in place in our leadership if we are to be effective building disciples
of Jesus Christ. Counselling is central to these dynamics, and in turn, counselling
rests upon six critical factors:
1. If
we who lead do not know where and how and why we are going -- if we are blind
leaders of the blind -- we will lead others right into the ditch.
2. If
there is no openness, trust, and trustworthiness; worse still, if we do not
openly love and care for one another, there is no basis for the quality of relationships
in which problems and sins can be exposed, perspectives shared, and advice given
and received. (See Gal. 6:1,2; Heb. 10:23-25)
3. If
I make a decision for you, then it becomes my responsibility, and the results,
good or ill, are mine, not yours.
4. Problems
develop and "present" themselves in ways which fit basic patterns.
An exploration of the situation and of the obvious issues, using careful and
sensitive tools such as questions and listening eyes and ears, can therefore
help us to unearth the roots of the thorny bushes we have bumped into.
5. If
there is an atmosphere of respect and confidentiality, then these roots are
far more likely to be exposed. (Patience, however, is always necessary. It
is always slow and difficult work when it comes to exposing matters which we
find painful or embarrassing.)
6. The
more involved I am digging up the root of my problems, and in developing approaches
to solving them, the more likely I am to want to exert the hard and painful
effort required.
These six factors are quite general. However, they do not,
by themselves, provide solutions: at most, they show us what the basic approach
of an effective counsellor is like.
As convinced Christians, we know where the solutions we seek
are -- in the Bible. We know that it is "God-breathed and is useful for
teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man
of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." (2 Tim. 3:16,
17.) Surely, that is enough!
Unfortunately, it is not. The problem of "how" still
remains. Although the Bible does contain answers, it is not a technician's
troubleshooting guide, and, rightly so, for people are not machines. Issues
of relationships, love, perception, trust, truth, maturity, tact, patience,
and so on are vital. Sometimes, for instance, people cannot put their feelings
into words, or are too ashamed to tell the truth.
Thank God for the Holy Spirit, The Counsellor! As Jesus himself
said: "When he, the Holy Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into
all truth. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making
it known to you." (John 16:13,14; 1 Cor. 2:9-12.)
Whilst we must be diligent and careful Bible students, we must
also cultivate a sensitivity to the Spirit of God, who lives in us who are born
of the Spirit, and who opens to us the things of God. (It is just as much a
supernatural work of the Spirit of God to quicken a text of the Bible to our
consciences and show us that it is relevant to this specific situation as it
was for him to inspire the men who wrote the Bible.)
In short, we must cultivate sensitivity to the voice of the
Spirit of God as he awakens us, ever so gently, to the light and power of the
Word of God. As we walk with him, we become more sensitive and confident, and
so will be able to develop the awareness and integrity to understand what he
is saying to us in counselling situations, and also will have the wisdom from
him to know how to best use what he reveals to us.
This, of course, is simply the outline for our walk with God
in love, power, truth, and holiness. This aspect of counselling can only develop
as we walk with God in our daily lives. There are no short-cuts to maturity.
Against this backdrop, also, the question of referral must
arise. As we think of ourselves "with sober judgement in accordance with
the measure of faith God has given (us)" (Rom. 12:13), there
will come the time when we meet a problem which is out of our depth. We should
then seek out someone who should be more competent to handle the matter in question.
The decision to seek such a counsellor, of course, should be made by the person
undergoing counselling, as should all counselling-related decisions.
Sometimes, in fact, professional help is needed. Thank God
there are many sound and professional counsellors available to us today.
We are dealing with tertiary students in and from the Caribbean,
and we are working in a framework oriented towards the building up of effective
disciples. We are therefore dealing with those who are being groomed to carry
our region on their shoulders well into the twenty-first century, and who reflect
the cultural milieu of the Caribbean, with all its strengths and weaknesses.
If we are to be successful, we must understand the challenges, problems, issues
and tasks which we and our fellow-students face, and we must be able to identify
with one another, and to work out and articulate forceful and effective responses.
1. We
have characteristic, low, self-image. We lack confidence, self-respect, and
respect for others, so we find it hard to accept how we look, speak, and act.
We therefore need to learn to see ourselves as people made in God's own image
with all the vast potential, dignity, and worth that this implies.
2. Our
primary (familial) relationships, as a rule, are in disorder. The chaos of
family breakdown leads to complicated problems when it comes to sorting out
relationships with parents, siblings, relatives, friends, and others we have
to deal with. Conflicts are poorly handled and so we never do learn proper
teamwork, especially when it comes to relating with authorities. We must therefore
work to sort out the root of our problems with authority, conflict-handling,
teamwork, and relating to people, especially in our families.
3. Basic
beliefs and values, as a rule, have not been thought through and so are not
really our own. They are therefore vulnerable, and easily collapse under pressure
of crisis or challenge. Cults, sects, political utopianism and similar groups
and speculations thrive on this vulnerability.
4. Sex
is a big problem. Fantasies, pornography, masturbation, fornication, homosexuality,
and many other problems are live issues but are often entangled in a web of
silence and shame. Passions enslave and cow us into apathy and defeat. We
do not know how to have a positive, healthy courtship. A proper perspective
on sex, the taming of wild passions, and the conquest of sexual sins must be
high on our agenda, if we are to be, and to build, sound disciples of Christ.
5. Loneliness,
mistrust, and a paralysing fear of being betrayed must be dealt with, if we
are to understand and value true intimacy and friendship. To make it worse,
we have learned all the dirty and cowardly tricks when it comes to handling
interpersonal differences -- lies, gossip, slander, half-truths, backstabbing.
If we are to live as the body of Christ, these must be faced and dealt with.
(See Matt. 7:1-5; 18:15-20; Eph. 4:15,16.)
6. Issues
such as how to work out what to do with our lives against the backdrop of societal
expectations, parental ambitions, issues of social status, career options, and
the question of Christian service, bedevil us. Often, we are not sure why we
are in college, or whether we really want to spend our lives doing what we are
studying. The social pressure to go through school and college and get a diploma
or degree and thence a high-prestige, high-salary job, often lead us to rush
ahead of our personal maturity and development. When problems come up, we lack
a perspective and a goal, and so are easily disillusioned. Worse still, sometimes
we squelch the voice of God, in pursuit of the world's agenda; prestige, pleasure,
and power. (See 1 John 2:15-17.) We must therefore stress the issue of priorities
in life, and of sorting out the basic issues before making vital decisions.
7. Matters
such as careful management of time, money, efforts, and, generally, of being
well-ordered and disciplined are often not dealt with until a crisis erupts.
Academic failure, financial distress, being side-tracked into side issues, and
other similar problems inevitably result. Discipline, order, and stewardship
must be watchwords.
8. Too
often we lack competence and skill in basic discipleship. We cannot study our
Bible, we do not know how to share the gospel effectively. Our prayer-lives
are shaky. We have the bad habit of not participating in the mutual sharing,
meeting and encouraging which are vital. (See Heb. 10:23-25.) This reflects
the sad state of teaching and traininig and shepherding in the Church in the
Caribbean.
As a rule, most common counselling situations will fit under
one or more of these readings. I suggest you sit down with other (aspiring)
leaders, regularly, to discuss problems in these eight areas. How do the problems
arise? How can they be recognized in real-life situations? How do you approach
someone about such a problem? How can such problems be dealt with, solved,
removed, adjusted to, whatever?
Other problems of a more technical nature, may arise -- persistent
depression, deep-seated personality maladjustments, serious demonic oppresssion,
and so on. Should such a case arise, I strongly urge that you get help, fast.
Being realistic about what we can and what we cannot handle is important.
Counselling is not just about problems and their solutions,
but also about people. People who have problems and need help. People who
want help. People who do not. People as they are, not as they 'ought' to be,
in short.
In trying to help people, then, we have to learn how to understand
people as they are, and how to reach to them, and if it is possible, how to
help them.
The first principle of helping people is simple. People can
only be helped by you if they want help from you. This means that we cannot
force ourselves into their lives, and that we should not trick or manipulate
them into asking us to help them. Aside from being a wrong approach, the resentment
it builds up will frustrate our attempts to help.
Prayer and encouragement are far more effective, and far less
frustrating. Ask God to act into the situation, and to open ways to help.
(Since the point is to help, resentment if God uses someone else to help is
pointless.)
Relationships, and especially confidence and trust, are also
critical. Love people, and care for them. Seek to encourage and to build up
-- and make sure you are not projecting the idea that, "If you want my
approval, then you must throw your life open to me." Acceptance of people
must be unconditional -- look at how Jesus accepted us, sins and all. It is
only after acceptance is present, in fact, that sins and other problems can
be dealt with.
Being trustworthy is vital. Can you be trusted with a secret?
If not, you have no business trying to counsel others. Betrayal of a trust
is perhaps the worst form of rejection and abuse of a person. Keep confidential
matters confidential, in short.
Integrity is also important. "Why do you look at the
speck of sawdust in your brother's eyes and pay no attention to the plank in
your own eye?"carries all the force it ever did. It is therefore wise
to examine ourselves before God, regularly, as we seek to counsel others.
"What are my attitudes and motives?" should ever
be in our hearts, in prayer, before God. It is only when we remove the planks
from our own eyes that we can see clearly to help our brothers with specks of
sawdust in their eyes.
Experience, finally is basic. If we lack experience of going
through tribulation, we simply lack the empathy and feel for how terribly heavy
and confusing and painful and embarrassing problems and sins are. Indeed, it
is as God comforts us in our own problems that we are enabled to help other
people with theirs. Experience, in short, is a basic qualification and preparation.
Without it, we are all-too-prone to burden people beyond their ability to bear.
In an essay such as this, it is not possible to say everything.
So far, then, we have simply tried to build up a basic framework for counselling.
In this, section we will simply list out some quick little points which are
helpful in practical situations.
1. Listen, don't preach.
2. Guide
and reflect. Don't control and decide. In effect, if you decide for someone
else, you are responsible for the results of the decision. Make sure your role
is that of friend, listener, clarifier, mirror, pointer, compass -- not dictator.
3. Mirror
questions are helpful. Rephrase what was said to you as a question, and pause.
As a rule, this helps the other person probe deeper into his or her problem:
" I am
not sure what to do."
" You
seem to be torn two ways . . . "
" I want
to do A, and yet I don't want to."
" There
is something about A that both attracts and repels . . . "
" Somehow,
I cannot make up my mind about B."
" So,
B is a source of tension . . . "
" If I
could only clarify B, then A would sort itself out . . . "
4. Use
positive words as much as possible, or at least, neutral ones. If, for instance,
above, we had said, "So, you are confused about B," it would imply
that we are telling our friend that he is confused! True, perhaps, but not
tactful.
5. Ask
for opinions, and resist the temptation to tell people what is wrong, and what
should be done. This cuts off the opening-up process (and, maybe, the NEXT
item was the critical one!) and moves you into the driver's seat.
6. Patiently
wait until you both have a clear picture before looking at possible solutions.
This is especially true of the temptation to fire off a Bible verse or two prematurely.
7. Let
the person confront his own words, especially where contradictions come out,
but do so very, very gently and tactfully.
8. When
using Scripture, ask the person what he or she sees. Use questions to clarify
and correct, avoiding overt correction as much as possible, so you help the
person to correct himself or herself.
9. It
is wise to clarify what the goals are for each counselling interview and for
the overall counselling situation. Do not impose your own goals or use "hidden
agenda" tactics.
10. Be
as positive, accepting, tactful, encouraging, unassertive, confidential and
trustworthy as possible -- treat the other person just as you would want to
be treated [Matt 7:12].
11. Try
to clarify the who, what, where, when, why, and how, within the limits of what
you need to know to help and what it is safe for you to know [Gal. 6:1, 2].
12. Be
unshockable -- ANYTHING can come out: a criminal record, hatred, hypocrisy,
homosexuality, or worse. Whatever comes out, communicate the loving acceptance
of Christ [Rom 5:6 - 11].
13. Think
of other useful points to add to this list. Read some good books, attend a
seminar or two, discuss counselling issues with other leaders. Put whatever
is useful into practice.
Counselling is a vast field -- one can make a career of it.
Unfortunately, we have neither the time nor the space to go into more details.
Besides, one only really learns to counsel by counselling. Work through the
following practical exercises, which are intended to make the plunge easier:
1. Jesus
was the Master Counsellor. Read the case studies in John chapters three, four
and eight. Why did Jesus approach these three cases in such different ways?
Is there a basic underlying method? How could we apply it today?
2. Visit
a good Christian Bookstore, and look at the books in the Counselling, Courtship,
Family Life and Cults sections. Which authors seem to be most sound, clear
and practical? What are the basic points they make? How can you apply them?
3. Personal
Evangelism involves counselling, and many counselling situations require evangelist
counselling as people work to resolve their problems. Discuss how the sharing
of the gospel and the counselling process can be integrated.
4. List
some typical problems faced by college students, set up some role-playing situations,
and see how the principles and insights work out. Discuss the results. How
does the gospel fit in?
5. Next
time a friend shares his or her troubles with you, use the approaches, perspectives
and pointers you have learned as you try to help.
6. How
can counselling be integrated into your ministry as a cell leader, a committee
member or just simply as a Christian?
Counselling is the art of helping people. We therefore need
experience, some basic insights and skills. Practice, therefore, is one key.
The other key is simple -- prayer: God changes situations and
hearts when we pray. Let us, therefore, learn, practice and pray.
http://www.angelfire.com/pro/kairosfocus/resources/Leading_Cells/Counselling.htm
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